Thursday, August 25, 2011

A Mother's Struggle

The kids started school today and I have a tug-o-war going on inside of me.  Parenting is my job and my passion.  I put great effort into giving my kids the best launch pad into the world that I possibly can.  I often read books, blogs and magazines.  I talk to specialists and seek advice from respected moms.  My entire focus is preparing them to function successfully away from the shelter of our family unit.  I am constantly looking for ways to build their self-confidence and ability to be independent.  In my head this is all very clear.

In my head.  My heart is a different story!!  I deserve an academy award for my performance today.  I got everyone ready and delivered to school without a single tear.  I revealed nothing but courage, excitement and positivity.  As far as they know I am completely confident that they will have a fabulous first day and that this year is going to be their best year yet!

I didn't lie.  I do hope and anticipate these things.  But what they don't know is that I really want to follow them into their rooms and hand pick their seat.  I want to observe the kids and threaten the mean ones within an inch of their lives if they hurt my baby.  I want to give the teacher a novel sized document that lists every little detail and caveat of their personality.  I want to be able to tell them that they "can" when they are positive that they "can't".  And, for the love of all that is holy, I want to make sure that they don't drink out of the water fountain and that they do wash their hands regularly.

BUT, I won't.  I won't because I know that they will never learn the difference between a good seat choice and a bad seat choice until they have made a bad one.  I know that they cannot have inner-strength if they never have to defend themselves.  I know that I want the teacher to see my child from a fresh perspective and that they need to learn that you don't really know if you can or can't until you try.  And as for the water fountains and hand washing, I can't think of a positive so I will continue to preach that sermon.  Seriously.  Schools. Are.  Filthy. 

So tonight before I go to bed I will sneak into their rooms and  give them extra snuggles and kisses when they aren't looking.  I won't be able to hold back my tears as I nuzzle their heads and remember when they smelled of baby lotion and felt like peach fuzz.  They are a gift that the world needs.  I pray I prepare them well. 

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