Friday, June 17, 2011

Raw

Somethings are too hard to share, but sometimes you have to do it anyway because you know that someone else needs to know that they are not the only one who feels that way.

I had to go to the doctor this week.  No big deal.  It was just a normal annual check up.  The only thing that was not normal about it is that since we moved this past year I would be visiting this doctor's office for the first time.  I have never loved going to the doctor, but in the last few years I have come to dread filling out the new patient forms.  I honestly start thinking about it days in advance.  Ya know why?  Because I have a good life.  I am blessed with so much and I don't think about what I have lost on a daily basis but I know that in a few days this new doctor will want me to unpack all my baggage on a few small lines.

I hate this. First of all how many pregnancies I have had is more significant to me than just a number and I really resent that all I am supposed to do is check a box to identify the outcome as living, miscarriage, or still born.  Seriously.  If you want or need this information I feel that I should at least get to explain it to you.  As I am filling out the forms my insides are literally screaming and I find myself apologizing to my lost babies for how flippant and nonchalant this all seems.

Inevitably, I am an emotional wreck by the time I have signed the last dotted line.  Yes, this is exactly how I want to present myself to people I have never met before, and I get angry at myself for not being able to better control my emotions because I don't want the new doctor to think I am crazy.  I try to keep my crazy on the down low.

Anyway, I guess what I am saying is that if you are someone who has to compress a pyramid of experiences into a few boxes and about three skinny lines at the doctor's office, my heart hurts for you. If I were sitting next to you in the waiting room I would hold your hand and listen while you told me every little detail and it would be important and significant and put in my heart to be remembered forever.

Lord knows that we would have plenty of time to share because OB/GYN offices are always behind schedule.  ;)

6 comments:

  1. This has touched my heart so much. I hate having to write down 3 pregnancies, I hate that they need to know that, and they don't acknowledge your loss, because it is a loss. I also think of my lost baby. It should have been 3 pregnancies, 3 babies... sigh. Very good post. Thanks for sharing so much of you, because it's honest and beautiful. :)

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  2. Thank you for sharing your heart with me today. This subject is very raw and emotional and somehow never gets any easier regardless how much time has passed. It's not something I "wanted" to read about but my heart "needed" it today. Thank you for your words and tender spirit. ~Sarah~

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  3. I guess I escape on a technicality on this question in the doc's office. Griffin should have been a twin. I have had 2 pregnancies and 2 live births but there was briefly another little one that doesn't get accounted for. I think of it most of the time when I see someone with precious twins or when Griffin is being especially sweet. It hits me that there should have been two of them snuggling on my lap for the bedtime story. Bless you for sharing.

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  4. Funny I feel the same way about this question but never expressed it. My choices at hospitals and drs offices have been Live birth or abortion. It makes me want to write a complete attachment to explain the loss of life that has gone on within my uterus. And abortion being none of the outcomes.

    Hugs and Hand holding,
    DeeAnn

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  6. I have had the blessing of one successful pregnancy so that is a question that I’ve never really had to think about. I have, however, had some very dear friends who have suffered the loss of a child and I have been really bothered by the attitude of most people concerning this kind of loss. It’s a taboo subject for most people and somehow seems that unless you suffered through a labor and delivery that lead to a child that could be held in your arms, then it isn’t really a significant loss.

    When David and I visited Japan a few years ago we toured a temple and its surrounding cemetery. I broke down into tears when we entered one area that was an overwhelming sea of tiny statues and our guide explained that each one of these statues represented a miscarried or stillborn child. Each of these statues were placed there deliberately so that the families could come back to visit them to remember and celebrate these children.

    Although the Japanese people do not believe in a Christian God they definitely have the right idea in this area. We should NEVER ignore the loss of a child because it might make someone uncomfortable and we should ALWAYS be willing to hold a hand and listen to each little detail about these tiny lives that touch us so briefly and yet so very deeply.

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